Melancholy Days...

You ever have those days when you really don't do anything but chill and reflect? Emotions are on an even keel....
(on an even keel: in a state of balance; steady; steadily....)

Today I'm in one of those melancholy moods and I'm analyzing every aspect of my life from childhood to present all at the same time and every thing is so jumbled, a blur, but so in order and clear as well. Nah' mean? Thinking about all the troubles and struggles that I've experienced and dealt with. Wondering why I made certain decisions at certain times, with sometimes no guidance or precedence and sometimes too much guidance and outside influence. Then I look around and I'm in awe at what I have accomplished thus far in my young life. I think what I'm most proud of is having the respect of my younger brother and sister as not just a big brother, but a friend, confidant, mentor, and not a role model. Yes that's right I'm proud of not being a role model for them, b/c I want them to be their own individuals and mold their own lives without trying to follow in my foot steps...I couldn't be more amazed or excited about the adults they are becoming...their potential has no limit. Then my own self criticism kicks in and instead of being comfortable and content with my current situation (which most people tell me I should be) I get frustrated and anxious....wanting more out of my life....more success, more happiness, more balance, more drive, more love, more, more, more....complacency is a word my character has long forgotten. So I ask myself, "what's next?" How can I get more out of my days? How can I improve every aspect of my life? The answers elude me but I do feel like by some act of a higher power, call it destiny, fate, my own will power...I'm Goapele'n....(gettin' closer to my dreams). So i discuss visions of my future with my friends, with myself...hoping and praying that the life i want for myself isnt just some illusion of grandeur...but i guess the only way to make sure of that is to put that work in and go get it.
Melancholy days man....reflection is self education......even though nothing seems to make sense....I guess I'll take it one day at a time and try not to let myself down....

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